Lose control.

Bad decisions make good stories.: Nobody really knows

Nobody really knows

I have never spoken about these feelings I have held for so long, nor have I had the idea on what kind of way I could possibly let it all out. I have always felt so ungrateful whenever I would complain about my misfortunes. I always felt as though I was being so unfair to billions of other people in the world who are feeling and are going through worse situations. Everything changed when I came across one post on the internet that said something like, just because someone feels worse than you do or just because someone in China is starving right now does not change the fact that you are upset about some things. It does not make you ungrateful, just because you feel that certain way. 

I started believing that it was okay to be upset. It was so much better to know whatever it is that was going wrong than going on and pretending everything is okay. Try to ask someone how everything is going for them, and I’m sure as hell they will tell you that “everything is okay.” Let me tell you this: half the time, everything and everyone are not always okay. 

Nobody knows how it feels like not having anyone to look after you. How it feels to have tons of things to worry about. How it feels to have nothing to pay for your dues and what not, how it feels to worry if you will still be able enroll for the next few terms, how it feels like worrying when the next financial support will come… How it feels to cry yourself to sleep, not knowing and losing hope that tomorrow will be any better… How it feels like being forced to do chores other people were supposed to accomplish. How it feels to be called a “slut”, a piece of meat that has been “passed around”, how it feels to be the “joke” of the town. How it feels to be betrayed by people you thought you could always count on, to be judged by people who barely even know you and hardly ever spent time with you, to get a bad grade in the only subject you ever enjoyed… How it feels to stare blankly into space, weighing your emotions and wondering if you just miss him so much or if you were being remorseful, to see things coming, pretending not to care but choke on it, anyway, later on. How it feels to be a thousand miles away from the man you love, how it feels to wait for him until the wee hours of morning so you could get to talk before he went to school, to take a deep breath after he confesses to you that some girl kissed him in the club, all while you were right where you stood just patiently waiting for him to come back. How it feels to literally have a father whose presence you don’t even feel, whose last sense of support that he could give, he still deprives you despite deserving it… How it feels to not see your mother for more than a year and having less than 20 days to get to spend time together, to know she is the only one supporting everyone, to know she would get herself into anything just to keep all of whom she supports alive and kicking, to know deep in your heart, although she may not say it, that she dies little by little but tries her best not to show you…

Nobody knows.

Nobody knows that some people just really try to get by. Because at the end of the day, it’s your choice whether or not you still want to go on or if you would rather slit your fucking nerves and die. Taking your own life may not make the cut, but neither does choosing to go on. This is the part where life tears you apart. If you would ever choose to live because we’ve heard it all before that it’s the better thing to do, make sure you are ready, because one way or another, life will fuck you up.

I know because that was what I chose to do.

Each one of us has their own experiences that nobody else would ever know how it felt like going through that certain thing, because it’s true that the only way you will understand is if you go through the same thing, too. But we don’t go through the same things. Some may be similar to another’s experiences, but the same thing does not always happen for everyone. To each, their own.

The next time you ask someone if they are okay, try to look deeper into their eyes. Reach out and hug them because they just might have said that they are okay because we all know that’s the easier thing to say…. the easier way out.

But nobody really knows.

Day 137/366

Goodbye for awhile, Facebook. 

This is the longest 2 weeks of my life………..

Boracay: Day 3